Friday, March 4, 2011

Dating Karma

Create great dating karma

In the world of romance, what goes around, comes around. Here’s how to harness that to boost your love luck.

Ever wonder if it really matters when you break a date by telling a not-so-little white lie? Or whether it’s all that bad to bash your ex—or secretly date more than one person? Let’s take a closer look, and begin by considering what’s on your dating conscience. Even if no one else knows the truth, you do—and so does your karma.

Karma is a spiritual principle that is like Newton’s 3rd Law of Physics: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. In other words, if you’re good, honest, kind and true, you probably have great dating karma and nothing to complain about. But if you’re like many of us, you could do better in the dating behavior department—and your actions may be beckoning a bad boomerang response.

As an astro-coach and the author of 12 books, I’ve found there are ways to create great dating karma and avoid the bad stuff. Specifically, follow these five rules to make sure that, when it comes to your romantic life, what goes around comes around... and that it’s all good stuff. The universe brings together people who belong together, says Julie Winter, a New York-based spiritual teacher and healer. In other words, just because you are single right now doesn’t mean you have somehow missed the love of your life, nor should you worry this will happen. Trust that the universe will introduce you to your match, and your sense of calm and confidence may very well bring that person out of the woodwork.
How to do it:
  • Do not join in the chorus when friends bellyache that “There’s no one out there” or “Everyone is already taken.” Wallowing only keeps you from noticing the possibilities around you.
  • Follow your whims when it comes to dating—your instincts are stronger than your brain. Stay home on a Saturday if you want to stay home. Make small talk with that cute stranger in line at the grocery store. Karma will guide your intuition on your path to love.
Rule #2: Be really, really honest
San Mateo-based couples counselor Susan Strong says that good dating karma is all about telling the truth—to yourself and others. “Even though it can be really hard, you have to be totally upfront,” she says. “And if that relationship doesn’t work out, you leave with your integrity and clean karma. You have nothing to regret.”
How to do it:
  • Instead of pretending to love raw oysters, polka music, or Sumo wrestling, or whatever else your date may be passionate about, just take a deep breath and confess you’re not that into it. Even if you think you sound negative, the vibes you’re putting out are positive because you’re being your genuine self. The person you’re out with will get to know the real you versus a persona.
  • If you’re faced with an awkward question about your past or a too personal issue, it’s better to say, “I’d rather not talk about it,” than to lie. Besides, mystery breeds intrigue.
Rule #3: Put your past where it belongs
An unforgiving heart is the number one blockage to true love. Sure, we’ve all been hurt. Yet you only keep the pain alive if you harbor grudges or cling to bad memories. The key to letting go of the past is to forgive the person who hurt you and then to forgive yourself for your role in the relationship. It sure can be tough, but your future depends on it.
How to do it:
  • Stop beating yourself up about past bad choices by saying to yourself, “There is nothing wrong with taking chance on love.” All relationships require risk-taking.
  • Erase bad memories by changing yourself or your surroundings: Get a haircut. Take up a new hobby that will bring you into contact with other single people. Visit a new place on your next date, not old haunts. This will make it easier to keep old pain from coloring your future.
Rule #4: Play matchmaker
Sharing and connecting love links is great karma. So don’t be shy about setting up your friends—or past lovers. Even if those you set up don’t work out, that’s OK. By creating opportunities for others to love, you energetically create them for yourself.
How to do it:
  • Set up a great-but-not-right-for-you date with one of your friends. Regardless of whether they hit it off, they will appreciate your effort—and one or both of them may return the favor.
  • Host a party where your exes, platonic friends, and the exes and platonic friends of your pals all get to mingle.
Rule #5: Resist the urge to gossip
You know how easy it is to send a snarky email about a bad date or to pass around a juicy tidbit about someone’s boyfriend. But guess what? Bad karma. Remember, if you pass along negativity, you’ll get it back. Not only may the object of your derision hear how the news got around (you), but gossips rarely get much sympathy from others. Keep things hush-hush about other people’s private lives, and they will be more apt to do you the same courtesy.
How to do it:
  • If you’re dying to dish on something you shouldn’t, try writing down your thoughts and burning the paper afterward. Fire purifies and takes the edge off the need to use a bullhorn in public.
  • When you break the rule (and let’s face it, for most of us, it’s not “if” but “when”), offset it by saying something understanding, or compassionate. And “I know he can’t help being a complete moron” doesn’t count. Try, “I guess I need to figure out why he would react in such a strong way.” In that way, you’re opening the door to seeing the other person’s viewpoint, rather than just exclaiming over their behavior.

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