Sunday, February 27, 2011

7 Signs of Cheating

7 Signs of Cheating

Hank Williams sang “your cheatin’ heart will tell on you.” But how do you know if your partner’s really stepping out? Examine these seven signs of cheating. But don’t go overboard: If you notice just one sign, don’t worry yet. But four of the seven behaviors means it’s time to talk.
The 7 signs of cheating:
  1. Lost time
  2. Lost money
  3. Attitude changes
  4. Changes in daily behavior
  5. Changes in phone and computer use
  6. Changes in your relationship
  7. Intuition
1. Lost time
Your partner suddenly starts stealing moments away from communal time. While this could just indicate hard work, it might be a cause for concern if your partner consistently and unexpectedly works late, has projects that must be worked on nights (could be odd hours) or weekends or holidays, has company functions more often or other meetings that must be attended, is going out with friends. Maybe it’s a “short” (you would think) trip to the store for soda that takes three hours, or a walk around the block (maybe walking the dog) that lasts too long.
2. Lost money
Money is spent and unaccounted for – “If you want to play, you have to pay.” It’s a big red flag when your partner doesn’t want you to see the bills, hides the bills when they come in and only lets you know the amount (if you are the one paying), shreds the bills, locks them up in a room/file cabinet/container that you have no access to or has the bills sent to work or a post office box.
3. Attitude changes
There are definite and unaccountable changes in your partner’s mood and attitude. Examples include:
  • Your partner is indifferent to family events like birthdays and holidays.
  • You find your partner has been lying to you.
  • Money becomes more of an issue between the two of you.
  • Your partner doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything with you anymore.
  • You can’t even get your partner to fight with you.
  • You feel as if you are being avoided.
  • Your partner abandons religious faith.
  • Your partner seems more secretive.
  • Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you (they either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible mate you are).
  • Your partner seems bored. Bored with you, with job, with kids, with hobbies, with life in general.
  • Your partner seems to want danger or thrills.
  • You notice your partner has a sense of confusion about self.
  • Your partner becomes lazy, especially around the house.
  • Your partner gets very defensive if you mention infidelity or affairs.
4. Changes in daily behavior
There are definite and unaccountable changes in your partner’s daily routine and typical behaviors. Examples include:
  • You find odd things – a gift in the car, a greeting card with suggestive writings in it.
    Your partner is suddenly possessive of a wallet, pocket calculator, cell phone, PDA, computer or email – because there could be receipts, phone numbers, photos, etc.
  • Your partner comes home smelling of alcohol – particularly if the person is late coming home from work.
  • Car manners suddenly change – Car is kept clean of any evidence of you; if you have two cars, insistence on always having it cleaned FIRST before you can ride in it.
  • Appearance – Partner often forgets to wear engagement/wedding ring, takes a new interest in clothing and appearance, smells freshly showered at 1:00 a.m., smells of different, unknown cologne or soap, starts keeping an overnight bag in car or office.
  • Conversation – talks about subjects never interested in before, uses new words and phrases.
  • Trips/recreation – partner encourages you to go alone to visit family and friends, spends more time with “old friends,” starts new hobby, talks about movies or other fun things that were not seen with you, orders new and different dishes in restaurants, if you want to go, there is some reason why you shouldn’t (“you wouldn't have a good time there anyway”).
  • You find birth control pills in her medicine cabinet and you've had a vasectomy, or he carries condoms and you are on the pill.
  • Partner stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.
  • Partner refuses to let you take him/her to the airport when leaving town.
  • Partner has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.
  • Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.
  • You find out by accident that he or she took a vacation day or personal time off from work– but supposedly worked on those days.
  • Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music.
  • Suddenly works long hours or weekends and never seems to be at his/her desk to answer the phone. Calls back later with a reason such as “I was working in the conference room where there was more space.”
  • Has lots of “emergency errands” but then comes home empty-handed, saying “They didn’t have what I needed.”
5. Changes in phone and computer use
There are definite changes in your partner’s communication manners. Examples are:
  • Partner buys a cell phone and is possessive of it.Partner sets up a new email account and doesn’t tell you about it.
  • Partner spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed.
  • Cell phone or text messages made or received at odd times – with partner not wanting you to see the cell phone.
  • You see unusual codes on the display, like 911, or 11111, etc.
  • Locks the cell phone or erases the call log.
  • Turns off the cell phone regularly but tells you it’s in a dead zone or out of range.
  • Partner rushes to answer the phone; there are more hang-ups when you answer; your partner is constantly checking Caller ID and deleting numbers or starts to buy phone cards. You see calls being made from pay phones on your bill.
  • Partner deletes all incoming emails, when they used to be allowed to accumulate.
6. Changes in your relationship
There are definite changes in behavior toward you – the cheater, out of guilt, can start acting mean, short, curt or otherwise abusive toward you. The cheater has a stake in doing this and making you the one at fault in order to justify the affair. Your partner might also want to find you cheating or accuse you of doing so, in order to also ease the guilty conscience. Other changes and oddities that signal a cheating partner are:
  • At the beginning of an affair the mate that is cheating is more attentive to his partner. This is due to guilt that the cheater may be feeling at the time.
  • “Tending” behavior, where the cheater has to know where you are all the time in order to work in the affair around your schedule.
  • Sex changes – after a very healthy physical relationship, lately there has been a large drop-off.
  • Perhaps the partner sleeps in another room sometimes. Conversely, because the partner also might want to avoid suspicion, there might be an increase in sex – but what also might occur is some new or unusual sexual positions, calling out someone else's name during sex.
7. Your intuition
The single most telltale sign of a cheating partner? Having to ask that question in the first place. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! An intuition (gut feeling) that something is not right usually is a sign you may have a cheating problem. “When in doubt check them out.”
How should you handle suspicions?
TRUE’s strong advocacy of openness, truthfulness and faithfulness in relationships speaks against snooping on your partner. There is no universally accepted definition of snooping, but we regard it as the deceptive and intrusive monitoring of another’s private property or activities. Rather, we suggest openly confronting your partner with any concerns of infidelity in a respectful and responsible manner. The health of your relationship is your responsibility. Affairs are usually symptoms of deeper, preexisting problems in a relationship. No sign individually is 100% indicative of infidelity – an affair is more likely when you observe the presence of all seven signs in your relationship.
Therefore, we recommend being cognizant of the seven key signs outlined above. You can deduce much about the health of your relationship without snooping. For example, be tuned in to home telephone calls when your partner has a tendency to whisper or gives a quick answer and immediately hangs up or when you answer the telephone and get an abrupt hang-up. You may want to monitor your partner for two weeks. During this time keep track of the mileage on the car. Monitor the time your partner leaves for work and comes home. Keep a calendar and note the times; this should help you establish a pattern. If your partner claims to be working late, check paycheck stubs to verify this overtime. Check cell phone bills to see whether a certain number has been frequently called. A good area to start looking is for the first number called when your partner first leaves for work and the same number called again right before they return home. Isn’t this snooping?! We don’t think so, because these behaviors are neither deceptive nor intrusive … and they do not violate a partner’s privacy. Cell phone bills and car mileage are bits of information that belong to the couple as a unit.

Lastly, do not think that infidelity is only a “guy thing.” In past years, men were mostly the aggressors, but with the increase of women in the work force in society today, women have become equally aggressive.

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